Stop Dressing to Fit In and Start Showing Up Authentically
- emsteinbrink
- 6 days ago
- 14 min read
Fitting in feels safe. You follow the industry dress code. You copy what you see other successful women wearing. You tone yourself down because you think that's what will help you belong. But here's the truth. Fitting in is actually the greatest threat to belonging. When you change who you are to be accepted, you end up sacrificing your authenticity for a false sense of community. And that disconnect shows up in your style choices every single day.
True belonging requires being honest about who you are and showing up in a way that reflects your actual personality and energy, even when it doesn't fit the mold. When you stop dressing to fit in and start making aligned style choices, you lead with more presence, you attract the right clients, and you build real trust faster.
In this episode of The Visibility Shift, you'll learn why so many women are choosing to fit in with their style when what they really need is belonging. I'll share what happened when my client Natalee stopped anchoring every outfit in black, the research that proves authenticity is a business advantage, and how to start building the muscle of showing up authentically through your wardrobe.
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1:21 - Brené Brown's insight that stopped Ellie in her tracks about fitting in vs. belonging
4:13 - The two options you have with your style every single day
6:08 - Personal examples of trying to fit in from middle school Guess jeans to J.Crew loafers
8:02 - Feeling like an outsider at a women's business conference and the comparison trap
9:31 - Client story about Natalee who built a bold brand but was still dressing in corporate black
12:34 - The research proving authenticity is a business advantage that builds trust faster
13:06 - Why being authentic with your style is hard and vulnerable (but worth it)
16:06 - Where to actually start if you're ready to stop fitting in
Mentioned In Stop Dressing to Fit In and Start Showing Up Authentically
Full Transcript
Welcome to The Visibility Shift, the podcast where style becomes your most powerful strategy for being seen, standing out, and leading boldly. I'm Ellie Steinbrink, stylist and personal brand coach, and if you've ever thought, "My style just isn't working anymore," take this as your sign. You're ready for your next level. And instead of launching into a panicked shopping spree, what you really need is a strategy. A style strategy that reflects where you're headed, not who you used to be or who you think you need to be to fit in.
Because when your style aligns with your brand and your vision, everything shifts. You lead with more presence, you attract the right opportunities and clients, and you fully step into the woman you're becoming. Because showing up as yourself, that's the most strategic thing you can do. Now let's get visible.
Welcome back to another episode of The Visibility Shift. The other day, I was listening to one of Brené Brown’s podcast interviews. As you know, she has come out with her new book, Strong Ground, and there's a plethora of interviews happening both on her podcast and then her as a guest on other podcasts.
She said one thing in this recent interview that completely stopped me in my tracks. She said, "Fitting in is the greatest threat to belonging." Now, I don't think this is actually a new topic she talks about, and I've probably heard it before, but for some reason, when I heard it this time, it completely stopped me in my tracks.
I had to hit pause. I got out my notes app and I was like, "I got to record this," because it hit me that that's exactly what so many women are doing with their style. Just to give you some context, because I had to read this line, "Fitting in is the greatest threat to belonging," I had to read that line a couple times to really understand it.
What she's talking about is that fitting in is the greatest threat to belonging because fitting in requires of you to change who you are to be accepted, whereas true belonging requires being your authentic self. So fitting in essentially is a performance in order to gain that acceptance or to people please, whereas belonging is about being accepted for who you are.
When we seek fitting in, this changing yourself for acceptance, really we can handle it for a while. Maybe we can put on this facade, but ultimately it's unsustainable, and it sacrifices our own authenticity for a false sense of community. And then she landed this section of the interview with this additional gut punch, which is, "I don't believe that you can truly belong to any group if you don't first belong to yourself."
Dang. This is why I love Brené, don't we all? The reason I want to make this the topic today is because I just can't help but think about how much I see this showing up in the way women and leaders and entrepreneurs dress. Every day, because I've had tons of conversations now with clients and other women at my speaking events, I know that we're every day making these choices to fit in.
Whether that's following what's acceptable dress for our industry, copying what we see other women wearing who are at our level or who are going to the same masterminds that we are going or on the same stages that we're speaking at, or just simply toning ourselves down to make ourselves seem more appropriate. Or maybe just to blend in or because we're a little bit afraid of standing out, because we've always been told, don't be so bold.
But true belonging, I think the thing that we're all ultimately seeking even in your own closet, comes from being honest about who you are. When I think about this, we really have two options with our style on a daily basis. We can fit in, we can play by the rules, we can follow what we think is the right thing to do, follow what everyone else is doing.
Or number two, we can show up honestly and dress in a way that reflects who we are, even if it doesn't fit the mold. Now, the first one, fitting in, is obviously the easier path. It's why so many of us find ourselves on that path, sometimes unconsciously, sometimes we think we're even doing the right thing by following that path.
Why? It's comfortable. You don't really have to think too much about it because you're just looking around, you're copying, pasting, you're letting other people decide for you. You guys have heard me talk about creating polls to help people, to have other people help you decide what to wear. This path of fitting in feels like it will guarantee our success or get us further along somehow.
It's almost like when we were teenagers we really did believe that if we fit in, everything was going to just go so much smoother for us. However, the other option is to show up honestly, and that option is actually the one that sets you free because there's no pretending. And honestly, it seems like being honest about how you're showing up, especially with your style, it feels like the opposite is going to happen.
Like you're going to get ostracized, like you're going to be thrown out to the wolves, like everything is going to come crashing down. But it's actually where those real connections start to happen. Where real belonging happens, as Brené says, where people actually see us, they learn about us, then they trust us because we're being authentic and honest.
The right people are drawn to us. I have to tell you guys, I have tried both of these paths. I've definitely tried the path of fitting in way back in my childhood days, and I'm sure all of you can relate, but back in those days, when I was in middle school, it was the early 90s. I'm telling you that if I was able to acquire a pair of Guess or Pepe Jeans, I would definitely be in the in crowd, and that was a goal of mine.
I hate to say it, but it was. My family didn't have the money to buy those awesome jeans, so I was doing everything I could to somehow secure them or find them on sale. But it just put all my hope into something like that.
Then a more recent, silly example from many years ago is I would always see women wearing these cool loafers. So if you don't know, I'm a huge fan of J.Crew. So when you think of J.Crew, you've got a pair of jeans, an oversized blazer, you've got these cool loafers. I so badly wanted to be that girl. I wanted to be the girl who wore that.
So I went on this whole hunt several years ago to find a pair of loafers that were the perfect pair of loafers. I got them and I literally tried them on with that whole J.Crew look. I tried to make it happen. No matter which way I tried to make these loafers work in my wardrobe, it just wasn't me.
Now I know that's a really silly example of being authentic. I think it's just an example of how sometimes we try so hard to do what we see around us and think that's going to make us look cool. It just was like the glove didn't fit for me. I think I ended up wearing them twice and then I sold them on Poshmark and I was like, "Okay, I'm over this."
But let me give a little bit more of a serious example. I was recently at a women's conference for six to seven and beyond figure business owners. I found myself feeling like I didn't belong there. Why did I feel this way? And I know even as I speak this that it's silly.
But I just remember thinking all these women that I see on stage, which I'm wanting to be on stages like this one day, I'm thinking they have a certain look. They have these perfectly toned bodies. They've got this beautiful, long, perfectly wavy hair. They've got flawless makeup and false eyelashes. There's just a look.
I didn't see myself in any of that. I'm like, I have short hair. I don't ever wear fake nails. I don't like wearing fake… you know, I just was like, this doesn't feel… and now I've got glasses and I'm like, "How does that even work into this whole scenario?" Again, you guys, I know this is petty and this is where you get yourself off track.
And I'm just saying this totally honestly so that maybe you'll see yourself in my story and realize, "Oh my gosh, I find myself doing that, comparing myself and how I could ever possibly take a role like that, like someone on stage, if I don't then emulate exactly what I see." This is really where we gotta catch our thinking into that's actually not the goal.
One of my other favorite stories is from my client, Natalee. Natalee had built this incredibly bold, get-it-done brand after leaving the corporate world. I mean, literally her company name is Natalee Gets Shit Done. It's an acronym, NGSD, but it means Natalee Gets Shit Done.
But when we started working together and looking at her wardrobe, it was like she was dressing for a totally different woman. It was like this brand she created for herself was so bold and courageous, but still in the way she physically showed up to client meetings wasn't aligned. She was still grounding all of her outfits in black—black pants, a black jacket, black shoes—because in her old "corporate world," that was what looked credible.
That was actually how she was advised to be taken seriously. The moment I pointed this thing out that didn't align, this thing that was out of sync, was the moment she realized that she was actually using black as her safety, as her anchor. It was a major light bulb moment for her.
It was at that moment where she's like, "Okay, I'm ready to go all in. I'm going to give myself permission to stop using black as my anchor, as my safety blanket. I'm going to reach for color. I'm going to reach for the things that light me up," the patterns, the textures, the pieces that reflected her girly yet extremely powerful personality.
She later shared after we were done with this process and she did a photo shoot and she was wearing these outfits in real life in her client meetings that she just felt like a weight had been lifted because she gave herself permission to wear the things she loved. And when you meet her in person now, you can feel the difference.
You can feel the difference in her confidence, in the photos she took for her brand shoot, in her energy. And the even better thing is that she started to attract exactly the kind of clients who resonated with that energy. I hope these examples I share are helping you see how easy fitting in can masquerade as belonging.
I find that you can always sniff it out because when you're striving to fit in, it leaves you feeling panicked or anxious or too worried about what others will think or if you will fit in, ironically. But if we let ourselves get sucked into believing that fitting in is the way, we abandon ourselves.
We can probably tolerate this type of behavior for a while or for years, or for a decade sometimes. But eventually, the faking it will catch up to you.
Over the years, I've always been someone who believes in authenticity. That's been a core element of my business when I started five years ago. But I've always wondered if it has any significant impact on our business.
It was like I always knew it did, but I just wanted to have something I could cling to. Luckily, this past summer, I got that validation when I discovered research from Eleanor Beaton, who is a coach for female founders, who showed that being authentic in your business actually builds trust with your clients and potential clients faster. It shortens the time to purchase and it increases the retention of our existing clients.
So that tells me being authentic over fitting in is not just a nice-to-have, an optional thing. It's actually critical. It's a business advantage.
I just want to point out before we wrap up here, and be completely honest about one thing. This conversation about being authentic, about what true belonging means over fitting in, the truth is that it's hard. It's vulnerable. It's possible you may run into some resistance if you decide to put this into action.
We know that people judge no matter what. They're going to judge. I do this sometimes when I have speaking engagements where I put a photo of me on the screen and I say, "Judge me. What's the first things that come to your mind?" But anytime I am doing something courageous or difficult that I know feels aligned, I like to consider, well, what's worse? What's worse, getting a few weird looks or comments here and there? Or is it worse to never let people truly see you?
To never feel like you truly belong because you're always just a little step away from letting people see you. The reality is that authenticity isn't just a one-and-done type of choice, especially when it comes to our clothes. We can't just do it once and hope it will ride us out for the rest of time. Similar to how you can't build true body strength from one day at the gym. It's a muscle you build over time.
At first, you may totally suck at it. But remember, you're a beginner. If you're someone who feels like as you're listening to this you realize, "Gosh, I feel like maybe I'm in this category of really striving to fit in," it's okay. You may not be ready to go full out on day one of deciding to do this. But even a small choice to choose yourself over rules or expectations or what everybody else is doing can be freeing, and it might feel risky. Start making those aligned choices every day.
Flex that muscle. Choose yourself over what others want for you, over others' expectations. Make the choice to drop the armor. Let people see you. Take the risk. This is exactly the ask I'm making of my clients. If you ever decide to work with me, just know this is coming for you. It's an ask to get comfortable in the name of being authentic.
The thing I love most about my work is being that steady, encouraging voice to my clients to trust themselves, to trust that being what lights you up is the path to success. Because I know sometimes it can feel scary. It feels scary sometimes for me, if I'm being honest, to put an outfit on in my closet going out for a family dinner even, and putting on the thing that makes me feel my best, even though I know I might get comments from my husband, I might get comments from my kids.
There might be comments, but at the end of the day, the feeling of wearing something that lights you up can't be replaced. So you might be thinking, "Okay, this all sounds great. Where can I actually start?" If you're feeling this stirring inside of you to do something about this today, let me just tell you that one great place to start is realizing that just recognizing where you are seeking to fit in, where you are playing the game, where you are following suit, where you're doing something out of expectation, sometimes that is the biggest step you can take.
Maybe this is the podcast episode that did this for you. So congrats. That honesty with yourself is huge. Because sometimes just letting yourself reveal the truth is freeing just in itself. That, "Oh gosh, I think I'm doing this. I think I'm letting myself get swept up because I think it's the right way to do it."
If that's where you're at today, just congratulate yourself because that's huge. If you want to take it a step further, the next thing to do is to take action on what you're noticing. So what could this look like? Maybe like Natalee, it's not wearing black because deep down you don't actually love it. Or maybe like another one of my clients who was in the financial industry and the expectation is you wear a blazer with literally everything, whether you're on stage or you're doing a webinar. Maybe it's saying, "I don't like wearing blazers. That's not me."
Maybe it's wearing the thing that gives you the extra jolt of energy even though it may make you stand out more than normal in whatever crowd you're going to be going into, whether it's networking or a meeting room. Maybe it's embracing your femininity. If you work in a heavily male-dominated field, what would that be like?
For some of my clients, taking a risk in this realm might even be trying a new silhouette or a garment that they never would have tried on their own, for this, that, or the other reason, convinced they couldn't wear it. I think you will always know when it's the right move because it will feel thrilling and scary at the same time. That's your cue. There's a lot of thrill and there's a little terror and that's okay to have those two coexist.
If this episode has made you realize where you're playing too safe with your style, where maybe you're choosing fitting in over belonging, and you're in the space of thinking, "Okay, this next year I want to change that," I'd love to invite you into my Standout Style Kickstarter program. This is a three-month one-to-one experience where we will do this exact work of building the muscle for authentic style. Then we're actually going to realize that vision you have into five to seven high-impact outfits.
Right now, you can get on the waitlist to start in January 2026. If you're thinking, "Wow, that sounds like, whew, that's right soon out of the gate for the start of the year," but that means that because this is a three-month experience with me, by early spring, aka the height of speaking and conference seasons, you're going to have your style dialed in and you're going to be ready to be seen.
This isn't just a wardrobe change. It is a transformation from the inside out. This isn't just "I'm getting a new set of clothes." It's "I'm changing and I'm ready to show up in a different way." That's what this transformation is all about.
If you are ready for that true transformation and for me to walk alongside you as you do it, there's a link in the show notes. Join the waitlist. I'm just going to tell you there are only three spots that are open for January, so if you want to get in, get yourself on the waitlist.
But I want to leave you with one final thought. I want you to remember, in the wise words of Brené Brown, fitting in does not equal belonging. Belonging requires courage, vulnerability, self-trust. I know you got this. I'll see you in the next episode.
Thanks for joining me on The Visibility Shift. If something in today's episode made you pause, rethink, or gave you permission to stop playing small, it would mean so much to me if you'd leave a review at ratethispodcast.com/visibilityshift.
If you're ready to stop second-guessing and start showing up as the leader you are from the inside out, The Visibility Edit is where that shift begins. Head to elliesteinbrink.com to learn more and join the next round. Because the next version of you, she's not waiting for permission. She's waiting for you. Let's make it visible.
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