When Perfectionism Stops Working

I was playing charades with my family when I realized I had no idea how to act out the card in my hand. Instead of laughing, guessing, or letting myself be bad at something for a minute, I froze. Then I got angry. Then I stormed out of the room like a full-grown adult having a tantrum. And that moment has haunted me for years because it showed me something I did not want to see.

I had taken something that was supposed to be fun and turned it into something I had to do perfectly. That was not new for me. Perfectionism had been the way I kept myself safe for most of my life. It protected me from criticism, rejection, getting in trouble, and being seen as not enough. And I thought it worked, until I started seeing what it was costing me in the very things I had built my life around, including my family, my business, my body, and the work I genuinely wanted to offer.

In this episode of The Visibility Shift, I’m sharing the story I’ve avoided telling until now, the one that starts with a charades game over 20 years ago and leads into the messy middle of me finally choosing to stop performing my own life. I’m talking about what happens when perfectionism stops working like protection and starts becoming the thing that keeps you from actually living.

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1:01 – The haunting moment when Ellie knew perfectionism had disconnected her from her joy

4:33 – How a clear message turned into one of the few times Ellie has allowed herself to play as an adult

7:07 – How that period of play turned into performance a year later, without Ellie even realizing it

9:18 – How Ellie’s life was at a breaking point when she decided to put her faith in Jesus

11:05 – Why Ellie is telling these stories now, and her invitation to come along on this messy middle journey

Mentioned In When Perfectionism Stops Working

How Personal Style Became Part of the Performance

The Style Mindset Reset

Stand Out Style Kick-Starter

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Full Transcript

Ellie Steinbrink: Welcome to The Visibility Shift, the podcast where style becomes your most powerful strategy for being seen, standing out, and leading boldly. I'm Ellie Steinbrink, stylist and personal brand coach. And if you've ever thought, my style just isn't working anymore, take this as your sign. You're ready for your next level. And instead of launching into a panicked shopping spree, what you really need is a strategy. A style strategy that reflects where you're headed, not who you used to be, or who you think you need to be, to fit in. Because when your style aligns with your brand and your vision, everything shifts. You lead with more presence, you attract the right opportunities and clients and you fully step into the woman you're becoming. Because showing up as yourself, that's the most strategic thing you can do. 

Now, let's get visible. Welcome back to another episode of The Visibility Shift. There was a moment I knew when perfectionism had disconnected me from all I ever wanted. Let's rewind 20 years ago, it was over 20 years ago. I was playing a game with my family, it was my mom and dad, it was my sister and her husband and it was me. I was actually not married at that time. We were playing a game of charades. And when it was my turn, I got a card and I instantly knew that I had no idea how to perform this card. I had no clue. And within an instant, I felt myself burn hot. My face turned red. I had no clue what to do. I was, in fact, the clock had started and I was frozen. Everyone was just sitting there staring at me. Are you going to do something? Do something. You know, like my team was like, just do anything. Do something. But instead of clumsily working it out or laughing at myself that I didn't know how to act this out perfectly, or just whatever, being silly, I went into a complete tantrum. And when I say tantrum, I mean the kind of tantrums that I've seen my kids perform. And yes, I was at, I think I was around 22, at 22 or 23 at the time. That moment of not knowing what to do turned into full-on rage and anger. I actually got up and stomped out of the room. And everyone was looking around in silence, wondering, like, what the bleep just happened? Now I was humiliated doubly because first of all, my perfectionism told me if I couldn't perform the card perfectly, I was a failure. And then secondly, now I had made a total fool of myself. 

This moment I actually thought about just recently and I realized this moment has haunted me for years. It's really hard for me to tell this story, because it exposes all the ugly parts of my humanity. Well, the jig is up. Now, you know, I'm not perfect. I'm far from it. The worst part is this. I wish I had learned my lesson that day, over 20 years ago, but I didn't. I didn't see my behavior that day as tragic. I do now. I now see so clearly, this was not the first time in my life that I had let something that was supposed to be joyful and fun, be something that had to be productive, that had to be stellar, that had to be performed, that had to be excellent. Because fun and joy were never really the goal, perfection was. And I honestly believed with all my heart that perfection would keep me safe, as it had, time and time and time again in the past. It had kept me from criticism. It had kept me from getting in trouble, when I was very young. But even getting in trouble with teachers and even bosses eventually, it protected my heart. It protected me from rejection, but it was killing me inside. And I wish, I wish I would have seen it. 

Now, I can count a few times in my life when I allowed myself to play. And I'm not talking about like the first five or so years of my life. I'm sure there were many moments of that. But when I became more of a thinking teenager and into an adult, I really can only count a few times on my hand, when I really let myself enjoy moments of play. And one instance was when I first started posting style content on Instagram. What prompted this first post and this was, gosh, I think seven years, seven or eight years ago now, I had learned how to do meditation and I had just gone through a severe bout of insomnia and meditation sessions over my lunch hour had become a form of rest for me. And so one of these days I sat down and was doing my 20 minute meditation and I got a message so clear, which I now know was directly from God, that I needed to go do something with my passion around style. And ironically, style was always one of those things that was a joyful endeavor for me. It was a way I accessed my joy. I hadn't tainted it yet. So that day, I mean, I meditated over the lunch hour and then I went home from work. And that night, I did my first post on my Instagram account. It was some random picture of my nails or something. I don't know. It was ridiculous. But that was the start. And in that moment, I decided I was going to start sharing any and all ideas I had around style. It was an outlet. It was creativity. I promised myself that if it ever became something that was not fun, if it became a chore, if it stressed me out, if it interrupted my day, I would just stop. Because at this point, I was fully employed. I had a job. There was no commitment. My only goal was to explore and to have fun. 

Now, after what I've just told you, think about how unique that was for me. I am someone who always has a plan. I always know what the end goal is. I need to, like, it has to be productive. It has to have a purpose. There was no purpose. I didn't even have in mind that this was going to be a business one day. I just let it happen. I allowed myself in that time period to just let something be, not to make it into something, not to make it into performance, not to make it productive. Well, fast forward a year, almost a year from when I started posting, I lost my job due to the pandemic. And I decided everything in my heart and in my body was like, you need to keep going with this. This is something I didn't want to stop doing. I wanted to keep sharing this with the world. And ironically, I didn't see it then, but that was slowly but surely the end of the play period. 

Now, I had taken this year of experimentation and it was going to be a business. It was going to be something that needed to make money. It was going to be something that I told myself, hey, if I can make this into a business that makes me as much money as I had at my highest point in my career, then I will know I'm legitimate. I had to prove myself. The stakes had completely shifted, at least in my mind. I didn't know that was happening. I thought I was just being that high achiever, ambitious woman that I always knew myself to be. And eventually, this is the worst part that is the hardest to record. But it ended up taking on a life of its own, where I really lost sight of what I was trying to do, which was helping others. And it was ultimately about making sure that I was worthy. And I realized this is how I roll. This is what I do with things that are meant for joy, or pleasure, or for genuine service. I take it and I make it into a performance. I decide it needs to be perfect. I decide that to ensure this value rests on this thing going a certain way. I even found myself doing this, when I was preparing for this very podcast. I was trying to make this story into a teaching moment, thinking of tips I could share with you, how I could have the perfect structure for this conversation. And I stopped myself and I thought, no, we're not doing this anymore. We're just being raw and honest and seeing how this thing goes. It's experimentation. So I guess you're getting to experience this real time. 

Well, things really started to shift for me about a year ago, when I put my faith in Jesus. At this point, things weren't looking perfect in my life. I didn't know it yet, but HE knew this would be my breaking point, and it was. I was working so hard to control and make everything right, but no matter how hard I tried, everything felt like it was failing. Nothing was as I thought it should be, that's, you know, for a perfectionist “should” is like a curse word. My marriage was struggling. My kids were being kids, as it turns out. But it was difficult and they were emotional, and they were having their own issues. My business wasn't where I wanted it to be, including a failed launch. My bank account wasn't where I said it years ago when I started the business that was going to make me legitimate. It was far from it. My body was changing, because of perimenopause and I was left with not knowing what to do, like everything that had worked for me in the past was now no longer working. 

And God, it was as if God said to me, let's see who you are without all of these things that you think you need to be. Remember, you are valuable just because you are mine, that's it. And you were trying to make it all about something else, all these other things, you're missing the point. This was my wake up call. And I decided I needed to pay attention. And so that's what I'm doing. And you guys are hearing this in real time. I don't tell you these stories to feel sorry for me, or maybe you're looking at me with total disgrace and judgment and I'm okay with that now. Ask me a couple of years ago, I would not have been okay with that. I tell you these stories, because I'm genuinely ready to face the music. I wonder if you are ready for this too. I wonder what is your breaking point? What is your story? When is enough enough? And when are you done letting perfectionism be your armor and instead allow yourself to start really living? I'm on that journey. It's not complete. I'm in the messy middle of working it out, but if you want to join me, I'd certainly love the company. And with that, I'll see you on the next episode. 

Thanks for joining me on The Visibility Shift. If something in today's episode made you pause, rethink, or gave you permission to stop playing small, it would mean so much to me, if you'd leave a review at ratethispodcast.com/visibilityshift. 

Let's make it visible.