Why You Shouldn’t Rush to the Next Version of You
- emsteinbrink
- Jul 6
- 18 min read
Leonard Cohen has a lyric in his song Anthem that goes, "There is a crack, a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." Most of us spend our lives patching over the cracks, trying to manage the fractures and keep everything looking intact. But what if the moment your identity starts to break open is when something more real can finally come through?
Identity shifts are inevitable. Whether you choose the transition or it chooses you, you reach a point where the version of yourself you’ve been performing no longer fits. Instead of rushing to the next role or title or polished version of yourself, standing in the messy middle is a far more powerful (yet uncomfortable) place to be.
In this episode of The Visibility Shift, I’m talking about two major identity shifts in my own life and why the disorientation I felt while still in the middle of them was necessary. I’m opening up about the grief that lives inside transitions we rarely talk about and why pausing during the in-between instead of running from it will help you find the gift waiting for you on the inside.
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0:59 – How a simple shopping trip sparked a major realization about the identity scripts the world hands us without our permission
3:33 – The shift that happened inside a career transition that, at first, looked like a step backward but became a gift
8:08 – What happens in the mucky middle stage of transitioning, and the questions Ellie found herself contemplating as a result
11:47 – The grief tied to transition that never gets talked about enough but is felt by everyone
13:58 – How a decision Ellie thought was purely spiritual turned out to be one of the most disorienting identity shifts of her life
17:02 – Why the key to making transition periods work is to not rush to the next identity
18:49 – Two things that helped Ellie get through the uncomfortable in-between phase of transition
21:56 – The perspective shift that makes it possible to stop seeing the cracks in your identity during a transition as something gone wrong
24:56 – Why the real transformation in a styling experience has very little to do with the clothes themselves
Mentioned In Why You Shouldn’t Rush to the Next Version of You
Full Transcript
Ellie Steinbrink: Welcome to The Visibility Shift, the podcast where style becomes your most powerful strategy for being seen, standing out and leading boldly. I'm Ellie Steinbrink, stylist and personal brand coach. And if you've ever thought, my style just isn't working anymore, take this as your sign. You're ready for your next level. And instead of launching into a panicked shopping spree, what you really need is a strategy. A style strategy that reflects where you're headed, not who you used to be, or who you think you need to be to fit in. Because when your style aligns with your brand and your vision, everything shifts. You lead with more presence, you attract the right opportunities and clients and you fully step into the woman you're becoming. Because showing up as yourself, that's the most strategic thing you can do. Now, let's get visible.
Welcome back to another episode of The Visibility Shift. The other day I was out and about shopping with my husband. He was looking for a long sleeve button down shirt that he needed to wear for an interview. And we walked into a menswear store and started to work with one of the attendants there and he was letting them know what we needed and they started asking questions about, oh, what is this for? What event are you getting dressed for? And so, of course, he said, I'm getting dressed for an interview. And the woman that was attending to us started to go on about how, oh, you need to then wear red and told this whole story about how when you wear red, you are more remembered as a candidate. And I'm standing off to the side saying nothing, but inside I am absolutely fuming. It took every bit of my effort to keep my mouth shut. Because what I believe is that he should wear what represents him and his personality. If you've been following me for any time, you would not be surprised that this is my opinion. I'm definitely not one to say wear whatever you think is going to get you the job, or persuade the interviewer or make someone have a certain perception of you. But what this instance, this story made me realize is that just how easily you can slide into an identity that isn't yours and how easily the world will tell you what you need to be, unless you put your foot down and say, no, this is not who I am. And luckily, that's eventually what my husband said when we were at the store.
Now, there's plenty of research to back up that wearing certain colors or garments or accessories will earn you respect, credibility and help you be seen as a successful person. And that's all great. But what isn't talked about is what gets lost in the process. What gets lost years down the road, when you've been following someone else's script, sort of unconsciously. And what gets lost is you. Now, I don't know about you, but for many of us, there comes a time when how you show up becomes less about being impressive or performative or proving or pleasing. Maybe it's just me, I'm in midlife, maybe this is me, but I see other women experiencing this too. And you just crave something that feels more real. The other thing I've noticed is that this kind of a shift often happens during times of transition. And some of those transitions are ones that we choose for ourselves and others are, they happen to us, right? So that could be a divorce. It could be a loss of a job. It could be that you're choosing to change jobs or industries. It could be that your kids are leaving the house and now you're… you're now an empty nester.
Or like for the recent example, I know you've heard me talk about where I went much deeper in my faith. One of these transitions that happened in my life was when I was working at the advertising agency. This is what I had chosen as my career. I went to school for it. I knew I wanted to be in client services. And so I started at the very beginning and just worked my way up. And I had always been working towards becoming the director of client services. One, because I thought that that's what you just needed to do was to keep climbing and keep going up to the next level. But also I was getting lots of encouragement to keep going. This is what, you know, I was getting accolades as I progressed. I was… people were telling me, this is something you're gifted at. And then by the promotions, I was also getting convinced that, okay, clearly, this is something I'm gifted at. But during the last, I don't know, several years of my time in the advertising agency, I experienced some serious burnout. And at about 15 years in, that burnout had reached its peak. And I found myself admitting something I never expected, which was that I don't really love marketing anymore. And that realization and that moment of honesty that slipped into my mind that I really wanted to just kind of erase, that created a pretty big problem, because all of a sudden, if I'm not a marketing person, who am I? This was everything that I had worked towards and it felt like all of that time and effort and credibility and expertise that I had been working for 15 plus years on had been lost.
And I got to tell you, at that point, when I had this question of, I'm not sure this is for me anymore, what followed wasn't an immediate moment of clarity, like, it's not this, it's this other thing. What actually happened and maybe you've experienced this too, is it's like, well, now what? There was a lot of uncertainty. And long story short, I ended up taking another marketing job after, yes, after I realized this is not for me. But I took a part-time role and it turns out, so what that meant was 30 hours a week. And what that gave to me was something I had not expected. It was one of the most brilliant moves I could have made, actually. I didn't know it at the time. Because over the span of the four years where I was in that part-time marketing role, what it really gave me was space. Space to think. Now, this was me moving from an advertising agency, where I had to literally clock every 15 minutes of my time in a timesheet to capped at 30 hours a week, where I had to leave the workplace, it gave me a lot of time to think, to reflect, to play, to just be literally doing nothing.
And I'm telling you why I did not like that at first. I did not like that. As someone who is used to cramming things into your day and squeezing the most out of every minute you have and over-scheduling yourself and then your head hits the pillow at the night, like, I did not like this new rhythm, but it did, this space did allow my nervous system to settle. And it allowed me to kind of get back to, oh, when my time is not totally and completely filled up, what would I choose to do with my time? It was truly a gift I didn't know I needed. And it's no surprise to me that during that time is when I got the revelation, during a meditation session, ironically, to put some time and attention towards style. Now, you guys know that story. But whatever the transition is, whether it's expected or unexpected, it forces you to look at how you've been operating, how you got there. And this goes back to my story at the top of our time together, which is where maybe you just like let things happen instead of choosing for things to happen. And when you hit that moment, where like a door closes or the decisions made or the transition, you know, the change is happening, it can feel a lot like a before and after. It can feel like it's very sudden and harsh, closing of what was and then you enter this sort of like mucky in-between phase and then there's the after of what is coming next.
And this middle part really requires you to make some choices. What I've learned is in these times, when I've had this space between before and after, is that questions are coming through, because you have time, as opposed to not even having the time and space to think about those questions, because there was just so much crammed into producing tasks and productivity. But some of the questions that I found myself grappling with were, are my old habits and patterns and way of being still working for me? Because it's like when that door closes, you do get that choice. That definitely happened to me, like when I went from the full-time marketing agency job to taking the part-time role is, do I want to continue to cram my schedule full, so every inch of my day is, I'm just scrambling to and from like a hamster on a wheel? Or do I want to just allow myself that space, allow that spaciousness to come in and just see what it feels like? Another question I remember asking is, well, if I don't have these things, or I'm not that thing, who am I? And that was honestly the scariest thing. And that might sound like, well, I had this job title, now what? Now who am I? Or maybe it's something like the way I used to dress and show up in that space. Maybe I had really impressive clothes, or I had designer labels. And if I don't have those things now as I move forward, what does that mean about me? Another question I found myself asking is, you know, who am I when I stop performing?
Because it's like everything comes to a grinding halt and you see things somehow in a new way that you never saw before. Right. And you start to wonder, well, when my life doesn't look a certain way, like it doesn't look excellent or perfect or impressive, what's left there? Because what I found and maybe this is true for you too, these messy middles are rarely impressive. And, you know, for me, taking a part-time role definitely did not seem impressive, even though I really actually really loved that role. But it didn't fit in with my old identity of being like the busy marketing executive that was going places and meeting with clients and always had something going on her calendar. This didn't fit my identity. If you're anything like me, part of you doesn't even want to touch these questions with a 10-foot pole. And that's how you feel the majority of the time. It's like, let's just not even go there because I'm not sure I can handle what comes up. But then there's this other small part of you that kind of keeps nagging and wonders, how much better could it be if I allowed myself to be honest in this moment about what was working or what was not working? What if I allowed myself to let down my guard just for a minute? What if I allowed myself to just let go of this mask that I had been wearing? And maybe now I'm a little tired of that.
And if you've ever come to this point before in a time where, you know, the door has closed, or you've chosen it for it to close and you're now in this messy place, you know how scary it can feel when your identity, or who you once were starts to shift. I guess what it feels like to me, is like the ground has been dropped out from underneath you. It is incredibly disorienting and I think it's actually a grieving time and that's something that doesn't get talked about enough, because what's shown on our socials and sometimes even in personal conversations at surface level, isn't really about the grief that you feel in the in-between.
We talk a lot about becoming, right? And the next level self and the new opportunity and the new version and the new marriage and whatever. That gets plenty of airtime, but we don't talk about the letting go of something, or some version of yourself, watching it die, grieving what once was. Even if you're like, I knew that needed to end, there is still a grieving process. Like, I chose not to be in the marketing industry, but there was a grieving period still of like, wait, I'm not that, and now I'm this and I'm a newbie now and I don't like this, even though I chose it. And this is why the before version of you was really comfortable. You had a rhythm. You knew how to introduce yourself. You had your elevator pitch. You knew who you were, or at least you thought you did. In this after version, or maybe like the before the after, I guess, the middle before the after, doesn't know how to answer, you know, who am I? What do I, what do I want? What do you do? What's your status? So these simple everyday questions, as you go about your day, you run into people, you're having conversations, you are at a networking event, you realize how much of how you defined yourself was wrapped up in these things.
The other identity shift that I experienced, it was a pretty major one. There's, you know, there's actually really two major transitions that were tied to my identity in my life. One was what I just talked about, leaving marketing and starting my own business. The other one was last summer, when I decided to recommit my faith to Jesus. And I really thought I was just making a faith decision. I thought I was coming back into, you know, my spirituality. And what I didn't realize, it was yet another identity shift that was about to rock my world. Suddenly I was looking at everything through a new lens. I often describe it as I put on glasses and then everything in my view was different. I was looking at relationships through a new lens. I was looking at my clothes and my shopping habits. You've heard me talk about that here. I was looking at my business and my job and my why around why I'm doing what I'm doing. I was looking at my relationship with alcohol and why I felt like it was so necessary to be in part of my life. I was looking at tendencies like perfectionism and being a high achiever and why those felt so central to who I was.
The hardest part is that I could see so clearly, how each of these parts had become part of my identity up to that point. But now I was grappling with, OK, what's left when all of this is settled? And now that you can't wear those identities, or maybe you're like, OK, that was the old me, or you can't speak it when you enter a room, you are left kind of speechless. You're left to traverse through a territory that feels uncharted, it feels blank, which can either quite honestly feel scary, or feel hopeful, depending on how you want to see it.
Because on one hand, for all the reasons I just described, it feels incredibly scary, because it feels like an ending. It feels like uncertainty. It feels like I don't know what I'm doing. It feels like, I once knew the path and now I don't and I was used to feeling like I was in control. I don't like this. Like who you always knew yourself to be is just gone. And on the other hand though, this territory is kind of hopeful because it's honestly, it's a fresh slate. And that was true of my transition from marketing to styling. And it's true of my faith deepening. It's a place where you are in, you're back in the driver's seat. It's a place of a lot of high creativity and exploration, as you determine what is in alignment and what no longer fits. It's a place where you can be honest, maybe for the first time in your life. There really are no limits in this space to who you could become, or what you choose to do next.
And here's what I've come to believe is the key in all this. So I want you to really pay attention to what I'm about to say. And this took me a really long time to understand, honestly, because I didn't want to listen to this. But the goal isn't to rush to the next identity. The goal isn't to be quick in redefining yourself or rush at all. The goal is to stay in the middle, long enough to hear what's actually true. Being a high achiever, this went against everything I ever knew to be true, because I wanted a plan with five steps. I wanted certainty like yesterday. I wanted answers to how this was all going to move forward and where the next tidy, neat, new next door was going to be. But ironically, in both instances I mentioned here, slowing down was exactly what I needed, in order to become more grounded before launching again. The world doesn't like to promote or flaunt this space. It's really not worthy of a highlight reel. And I find even myself, you know, in these transition times, I find myself going a little bit quiet, because it doesn't feel like it's something worthy of your social space, right? And if we're being honest, we can't fully blame it on the world or on our social presence. We don't like this space, because we're uncomfortable. It feels awful when you don't have the answers, when nothing feels certain, when the ground seems to have fallen from under you, the plan went out the window. And again, this is even if you've chosen it. But I've come to believe this space is magical.
And when I look back, there's really two things that helped me the most, you know, really get through this space. And the first one is curiosity. The second one is space. Now, curiosity in questioning is really something that is very uncomfortable, but it's also where you can reimagine. It's where you can get creative. If you don't have the pressure, if you're not putting that pressure on yourself to get something figured out right now, tomorrow and needs to happen now, you actually wouldn't mind this curiosity phase. It would be something you would enjoy doing, where you could reflect on what worked from the old version and what you want to bring with you into the new chapter, what didn't work and what you want to leave behind. It's the time to ask the questions you weren't willing to answer, or ask even, before because you're afraid of what might have come up. So curiosity is huge. Curiosity without the pressure to figure it all out.
The second really helpful thing I mentioned is space. And when I'm speaking of space, I'm speaking to slowing down so that it's your pace. But it also alliterates to spaciousness also within your environment or within your calendar. This spaciousness gives you that time to do the reflection, which I mentioned as point number one, instead of rushing forward and going through to cram your day. It also speaks to not being quick to redefine yourself and letting things stay undefined, while you figure out what really fits, whether that's literally speaking or metaphorically speaking. Which is why, if we can just take a moment to say, this is why your closet can become such an interesting place during transition, because this question in this space allows you to ask, why do I have the items I have? Do I even like them? What do they say about me? Why do I feel this constant need to shop? What is that about? And has owning the newest things, or having the next designer handbag or, you know, this certain new item, has that become a crutch for an identity that just doesn't work for me anymore? Do my clothes make me feel at home with myself, or do they project some sort of like hard to attain standard that, if I'm being honest, feels kind of exhausting?
I've heard women wrestle with like, maybe I realize that I've been playing it safe and there's a version of me that wants to be louder, that wants to be more expressive. And then I've heard women on the flip side say that maybe I've been really loud and expressive, but it was actually covering up a different version of me that wanted to come through. If you've been through a major change or a transition, like I'm talking about today, maybe you're going through it right now. I know you know that when identity cracks, it can feel like you're disappearing. And no matter how confident you once were, or how resilient you are, this just plain sucks. Let's not forget that that is a very natural feeling. It just sucks. But I do want you to ask yourself, what if this is the space where you can finally meet yourself? Perhaps for the first time in a very long time.
You know, there's a quote I've always loved from Leonard Cohen's song, Anthem, that says, ring the bells that can still ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack, a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in. I think it's funny that most of us think that cracks are bad, right? A cracked relationship, a crack in your plate, in your kitchen, a crack in your windshield, a crack in your career path, a crack in your plans. This verse has always helped me see cracks from a different perspective, one that feels much more hopeful, because the crack isn't a flaw, which I've always perceived cracks to be. They're actually revealing.
Cracks let the light in, which can shine onto something we've been unable or maybe even unwilling to see. So I'm just going to ask you this question. As I've asked myself during these major transitions in my own life, what light is trying to come in right now for you? What truth is getting revealed through this transition? What is getting exposed, so you can move towards something better? And then I think the real kicker of the question becomes, are you going to pay attention to what is being revealed, or are you going to ignore it? I would encourage you to start to pay attention. And even if your whole body wants to reject that idea, I'm going to say there are going to be some days that you won't even be able to look at it and that's okay, give yourself grace. But the next day, get up and be willing to open yourself up to this curiosity, to spaciousness, to asking the hard questions, to freaking allow yourself to get uncomfortable, because that's how new beginnings start.
And eventually, when day after day, you allow for this curiosity, you allow for the questions, for the honesty, for the reflection, for taking clumsy action, what feels like loss of your identity and what was familiar is actually an invitation to discover who you really are. If you're in one of these transition seasons right now, I just want to pause and say that this kind of grounded and intentional identity work is actually where I start with every client I work with. Before we ever talk about the clothes, about the colors, about what's in your closet, before we decide what stays or goes, before we ever start shopping, we start with curiosity. We start with beliefs. We look at patterns that have helped or hindered you along the way. We give this space for pause and reflection so that you can be ready to leave some things behind, so that something new can emerge, not just in your wardrobe, but in the stories you've been carrying about who you need to be.
And what you can expect is transformation. And I think when you think about a styling service, you think the transformation is in the clothes, but what is actually happening is the transformation is in how you see yourself differently and then how you give yourself permission to embody that. Because the reality is that most of the stress about what to wear and where to shop is solved really with getting at the heart of who you are. And from there, things flow so much easier. So if you want to learn more about that, go to the show notes, look for the standout style Kickstarter program and you can even schedule a discovery call. I hope today, though, struck a chord with you. I hope it resonated in some way. And I hope if you are going through a transition that, one, you allow yourself to give yourself some grace at how much it sucks. How difficult it is, how disheartening it can be, but that you might also have the ability now to see it in a slightly different light. And with that, I'll see you in the next episode.
Thanks for joining me on The Visibility Shift. If something in today's episode made you pause, rethink, or gave you permission to stop playing small, it would mean so much to me if you'd leave a review at ratethispodcast.com/visibilityshift.
Let's make it visible.
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