All or Nothing Thinking Is Wrecking Your Style Confidence
- emsteinbrink
- 1 day ago
- 7 min read
One outfit doesn’t feel quite right. A few items feel old or outdated. Maybe you’re tired of wearing the same things over and over. What starts as just a few things that feel problematic can quickly turn into, “I’m screwed. This is hopeless. Nothing in here is right.”
That’s the all-or-nothing thinking I know very well, both in my closet and everywhere else in my life. If you slip up or something doesn’t go as perfectly as you hoped, it can start to feel like you’ve failed. In your closet, that can look like taking a problem with just a few items and making it into an entire closet problem, or deciding that because a garment doesn’t suit your body, there must be something wrong with your body instead.
In this episode of The Visibility Shift, I’m talking about the all-or-nothing thinking that can wreck your style confidence and why I think we could all use a little more grace. I’m sharing how this mindset has been showing up for me lately, why one bad outfit or one bad day in your closet isn’t enough to take you down, and what it looks like to remember that something is better than nothing, progress is better than perfection, and you can get back up tomorrow.
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1:37 - How missing a few newsletters and episodes sent me into all-or-nothing thinking
2:03 - How a few closet problems quickly become “I’m screwed” and “nothing in here is right”
3:20 - The downside of all-or-nothing thinking when there’s no room for grace
4:09 - The pressure I put on myself to have every outfit and every item perfectly curated
5:13 - Why a garment fit issue can quickly become a problem with your body instead
5:49 - The learning curve that comes with changing how you dress and choosing new silhouettes
6:20 - What my nutrition plan taught me about expecting perfection and getting back on track
7:19 - Why the goal is to embrace the mistakes and make them no big deal
Mentioned In All or Nothing Thinking Is Wrecking Your Style Confidence
Full Transcript
Ellie Steinbrink: Welcome to The Visibility Shift, the podcast where style becomes your most powerful strategy for being seen, standing out and leading boldly. I'm Ellie Steinbrink, stylist and personal brand coach. And if you've ever thought, my style just isn't working anymore, take this as your sign. You're ready for your next level. And instead of launching into a panicked shopping spree, what you really need is a strategy. A style strategy that reflects where you're headed, not who you used to be, or who you think you need to be, to fit in. Because when your style aligns with your brand and your vision, everything shifts. You lead with more presence, you attract the right opportunities and clients and you fully step into the woman you're becoming. Because showing up as yourself, that's the most strategic thing you can do.
Now, let's get visible. Welcome back to another episode of The Visibility Shift. So I've been pretty MIA for the last month, or so, as my family has gone through this big move from Nebraska to Iowa. And to say that I have a lot of shame around not showing up here, or online as consistently as I'd hoped, is an understatement. I'm someone who values consistency and it's usually really easy for me. I'm someone who values dependability and wants to be someone who always delivers. And for most of my life, I have lived out that value. So when life gets in the way and I'm unable to deliver, this completely jacks with my emotions. It starts to tell this story essentially that I've failed, that I'm not good enough, that I might as well just quit, since I missed a few newsletters or episodes. And I know this all or nothing mindset really hurts me, but it got me thinking about how often the same thing happens in our closets.
A lot of the women I work with have come to me after feeling hopeless or uninspired in their closets for quite some time. What starts as clothes not fitting as they should, or a few items feeling old, or outdated, or maybe they're just tired of wearing the same things over and over, it quickly slides into just a few items that are problematic into the mindset of, I'm screwed. And isn't it odd that when one or two things don't seem right, how quickly that can develop into, I might as well just give up. This is hopeless, or nothing in here is right. The problem isn't actually the inconsistency. It's the story we're telling ourselves about the inconsistency. And I'll admit, this type of all-or-nothing thinking is often reserved for perfectionists. So hello, raise your hands out there. I'm certainly one, as you've probably heard me talk about here on the podcast.
On one hand, this all-or-nothing thinking can be really helpful. In fact, it's helped me push through in moments, when I just wanted to give up. It has helped me develop a character of dependability and accountability to myself and others. But there's a downside of all or nothing thinking as well and that is there's no grace. If you slip up or miss a week, you've failed. If you don't perform as perfectly as you'd hope, you might as well just go home. If your outfit isn't completely nailed, your emotions tank. So all in all, this is more of a curse than it is a blessing. It's often when I talk to others, where I'm sharing, you know, my close friends, where I'm sharing my stream of consciousness about how I feel like I've failed, that inevitably they'll say something like, it sounds like you're being extra hard on yourself, Ellie. And in that simple sentence, I snap back to reality. I mean, who do I think I am, a robot?
Over the years, this perfectionistic, all or nothing thinking, it's been hard for me to approach my closet and my outfits with some grace as well. What I really want is for every outfit to be perfect, for every item in my closet to be perfectly curated. And I think that there's extra pressure there, because I am a stylist and this is what I do as a profession. But the reality is that some days outfits will feel on point and other days they just won't hit like you hoped they would. Or some days you'll be really intentional with your shopping and other days you'll slip and buy irresponsibly, or buy something you later discover you don't actually like at all and then it sits there hanging in your closet. For many women I work with, the not so great days may be a problem with just a few items, but they take those few items that are problematic and make it into an entire closet problem. Or in another case, maybe it has nothing to do with their closet at all. It's maybe that there are fit issues where a garment just doesn't suit their body type, but instead of seeing it as a problem with the garment, they see it as a problem with their body.
And this is where I think we could all use a little more grace. One bad outfit or one bad day in your closet, isn't enough to take you down or quit. And I have to remind myself many times, something is better than nothing. Progress is better than perfection. 10 minutes is better than nothing. I can get back up on this tomorrow. And when I start working with my clients in the early stages, it really requires a lot of these reminders, because when you're learning new skills about how to dress, or how to dress in a way that honors what you love, or choosing different silhouettes for your body, there is a big learning curve. And along with that learning curve requires grace. Some days you're going to nail it and other days you're going to revert back to your old habits.
I remember when I first joined the community for my nutrition plan this past year and one of the training modules talked about the dangers of expecting perfection as you went about the new meal plan, as it would most likely set you up for failure. They actually proved that people who were able to miss a few days or eat a few less than ideal meals, but then committed to getting right back on track and not putting so much emphasis on the fail, those people were more successful overall, over a period of time, than those who made it their goal of perfection, or no missed days. Of course, as a perfectionist, this really stuck with me, especially as someone who by default is always going for the zero fails. But the reality is, the goal isn't to have zero failures, whether we're talking about our closet or a nutrition plan or running your business. In fact, that mindset will work against you in the long run. The goal is actually to embrace the mistakes and make them no big deal. The goal is to get back up tomorrow and remember that all is not lost.
So today, when you don't feel great in your outfit, or your outfit doesn't hit like you hoped, or you made a mistake by buying something you really don't love and now you're stuck with it, remember this. One bad outfit doesn't necessarily mean your whole closet is screwed. One bad purchase doesn't mean you're not reliable and you're not an intentional shopper. One day where you don't feel great in your clothes doesn't mean you've lost your style or that you need to go on a diet plan. And missing a week, or month, doesn't mean you failed. You can get back on track tomorrow. But we can only achieve that if we're giving ourselves that permission, to remind ourselves that these little mishaps, even though they may feel big to us, are really no big deal. So I hope today you'll give yourself that permission slip, whether it's in your closet or otherwise. I know I will be. And with that, I'll see you in the next episode.
Thanks for joining me on The Visibility Shift. If something in today's episode made you pause, rethink, or gave you permission to stop playing small, it would mean so much to me, if you'd leave a review at ratethispodcast.com/visibilityshift. Let's make it visible.
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