The Style Questions That Come With Big Life Changes
- emsteinbrink
- 24 hours ago
- 14 min read
I’m getting ready to move to Pella, Iowa, a small farm town deeply rooted in its Dutch heritage, and based on the few times I’ve visited, I have a sneaking suspicion I’m going to stick out. This isn’t exactly new. I’m used to not dressing like the people around me, but this might be a pretty big difference. And as I started packing up my closet, I realized pretty quickly that I wasn’t just deciding what clothes to bring. I was actually making decisions about identity.
Moving, starting a new job, joining a new mastermind, or stepping into a different circle of leaders has a funny way of making you look at all of this under a microscope. Groups slowly start dressing alike, and it can happen so gradually that you don’t even realize you’re adapting. Sometimes it’s practical, but sometimes it’s fear. What if I stand out too much? What will people think of me? Will being myself make people disconnect from me, or will it actually bring them closer?
In this episode of The Visibility Shift, I’m talking about the style questions that come up during big life changes and why they are rarely just about the clothes. I’m sharing what has been coming up for me as I pack for this move, the work environment that once made me question whether I needed to become someone different, and why staying true to yourself can feel uncomfortable way before it feels natural.
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2:38 - The way a move, new workplace, or new group can put your style choices under a microscope
3:29 - Using three style words as a barometer for what feels like you and what does not
6:45 - Ellie’s shift from a polished ad agency environment to a much more casual workplace
9:50 - How choosing the clothes that felt aligned brought Ellie’s energy back
12:02 - The future-self vision that finally makes sense as Ellie prepares for a small-town move
14:23 - Why authentic style can feel uncomfortable long before it feels natural
15:17 - How to tell whether a new environment is bringing out more of who you are or pulling you farther away
17:08 - The deeper work of noticing where you’ve moved away from yourself and choosing who comes with you
18:22 - Why Ellie’s work is about refining what is already true, not becoming someone you don’t recognize
Mentioned In The Style Questions That Come With Big Life Changes
Full Transcript
Ellie Steinbrink: Welcome to The Visibility Shift, the podcast where style becomes your most powerful strategy for being seen, standing out and leading boldly. I'm Ellie Steinbrink, stylist and personal brand coach. And if you've ever thought, my style just isn't working anymore, take this as your sign. You're ready for your next level. And instead of launching into a panicked shopping spree, what you really need is a strategy. A style strategy that reflects where you're headed, not who you used to be, or who you think you need to be, to fit in. Because when your style aligns with your brand and your vision, everything shifts. You lead with more presence, you attract the right opportunities and clients and you fully step into the woman you're becoming. Because showing up as yourself, that's the most strategic thing you can do.
Now, let's get visible. Welcome back to another episode of The Visibility Shift. There's some pretty big news around here in my world that I wanted to share and it's that I'm moving to a new city with my family. Yes, I'm moving to the big town of Pella, Iowa. Where is that, you say? Well, it's smack dab in the middle of the United States, near Des Moines, if you're familiar with the Midwest. The thing about Pella is, it's a small Iowa farm town, deeply rooted in its Dutch heritage. That's very clear. It's actually a really pretty hip, though and vibrant little community. But all in all, really nothing like Omaha, which is what I'm used to. And based on the few times that I've visited, I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm going to stick out. And honestly, I'm used to not dressing like those around me, but this might be a pretty big difference. And it's got me thinking about something pretty universal that we all experience at some point in our life, which is, have you ever noticed how groups slowly start dressing alike? And whether that's moving into a new community like me, or even just into a new neighborhood, or your workplace, or thinking about the network of friends, or network of leaders that you associate most with. Over time, you start to just look more and more the same, don't you? And we really adapt in a very, very slow manner, but it's happening, sometimes consciously and oftentimes, I would say, without even realizing it.
And moving or joining a new workplace, or being a part of a new networking, or mastermind group, has this funny way of making you look at all of that under a microscope. And I got to say, as I'm starting to pack up my closet, I thought I was making decisions about what clothes to bring and what clothes maybe to not bring. But what I realized pretty quickly is that I was actually making decisions about identity. Now, when I'm working with my clients on their closets, even though I don't do closet detox, when we're going through the foundational work, I'm giving them tools to help them make decisions about what stays or goes in their closet. And this is regardless of whether they're moving, or changing work environments, or whatever. One of those tools is defining their three style words. And that's essentially three words that you define that become a barometer by which you determine what is you and what is not you. But I think when you're really getting into the practical questions also of what stays or what goes, we really want to think about, let's say you're looking at a garment and you're saying, well, I'm not really sure this has a place in my new setting, whether that's a new community, a new work environment, whatever.
And that's one thing if you're like, I'm not sure I'm going to have a chance to wear it, but it actually feels a lot like who I am. But there might be another reason you're not wearing it and that might be that it actually isn't you at all. You know, it makes me think about this black dress I have in my wardrobe that I love. I haven't worn it in, I don't know, five years, but it's awesome. It's just like this really sleek, chic, one-shoulder black dress and it's meant for a little bit more of a formal occasion. And even though I might only wear it once in five years, I love it and it's me. And the same goes with I have these like bright blue cobalt four inch heels. And I do wear them from time to time, they're totally aligned, but it isn't just a practicality question. And I think in some ways we can answer this question about what stays or goes in our closet with practicality. Like, for example, this small town that I'm moving to, there's really literally one fancy restaurant in this town and how many fancy clothes am I actually going to need? You know, and I would say, listen, even though I might not be wearing them as often, I love these clothes. They're in alignment with me. And so yes, I'm going to keep them. So do you see the difference where practicality doesn't always work?
But I got to tell you, as I was packing, I realized I wasn't really just asking practical questions anymore. I was actually noticing a lot of fears were coming up too. Fears like, what if I stand out too much in the way that I just normally like to dress? What will people think of me? Will they think I'm just like some big city girl, which I know you're laughing, those of you who are actually living in a big city, but Omaha compared to where I'm going is a big city. You know, will they think that I'm just some big city girl who acts like she's better than the rest of us? And those feelings are uncomfortable. How much discomfort can I tolerate in the name of staying true to myself? I talk about this a lot, but another fear comes up that will standing out and just being me make people disconnect from me, or will it actually bring them closer and want them to connect? Maybe it'll give them permission to be themselves too or break out of whatever fear they have about fitting in versus standing out. I often think that the smaller the circle or the environment, the harder it can feel to take a stand that goes against the grain. This honestly isn't the first time I've experienced this shift of like having to make a decision about how I'm going to show up in a new environment.
So about 10 years ago, I moved from a job at an advertising agency into a completely different work environment. And at the agency, I was meeting with, regularly, with C-suite and director level clients. And the environment was just more polished, it was more formal, getting dressed up felt really normal. I was meeting the level of dress of the clients that I was meeting with. And again, this was 10 years, this was before COVID, so things really were a lot different. Then I moved to a much more casual workplace. And in this workplace, everyone was wearing, first of all, it was a much smaller environment, you know, to the tune of about eight people. Most people were wearing like yoga pants, joggers, just like a very athleisure vibe. There really wasn't a need to dress up. The clients that we had in this business rarely came to the office. Sometimes we were unpacking giant shipments of books that the owner had written and hauling those boxes into the storage room, you know. So there was some practicality to the dress code there. It was just a very different environment that I had from what I had come from. And for a while, I was like, OK, I'm just going to go with the flow. I remember looking around and realizing I don't even own the right clothes to assimilate into this environment.
When I looked at my athleisure wear in my closet at the time, listen, I work out at home. None of it was presentable for a work environment. At least, I didn't think so. So naturally, I started to think about, OK, well, maybe I should go shopping and find some athleisure wear that I can actually show up to work in. And as I started to go down this path of honestly looking for a whole new wardrobe that revolved around athleisure wear, I stopped myself and thought, what am I doing here? Why am I changing myself for this environment? For one, It's really expensive to start over on a wardrobe. But secondly, the bigger concern is, why am I assuming that I need to become someone different, just because the people around me, show up in a different way? The truth was, I didn't feel like myself in athleisure clothes. And it's really not a judgment of those who maybe do feel like themselves in athleisure clothes. That's not what this is. I had zero judgment about what everyone else was choosing to wear. It just wasn't me.
So at some point I made the switch and I said, OK, I'm choosing myself. And at that point in my life, what that looked like was usually a pair of jeans and a blazer with a tee and heels, or maybe I would wear a skirt with that get up. Was I dressed up more than everybody else? I certainly was. Did I stand out? Probably. Yeah, on some days I did. But I did notice something pretty interesting happen, when I decided to go all in on the wardrobe that felt aligned with me. My energy came back and that is a legitimate feeling. Like that feeling of actually getting dressed in a way that felt aligned with myself, that energized me as opposed to like putting on something that felt like it would work in the environment but wasn't really my vibe. That felt a little depressing. The discomfort of knowing that I didn't look like everybody else or wasn't dressing like everybody else, that was still there. I just want to note that. But there was relief and freedom in choosing myself and that feeling was actually stronger, which is why I kept leaning into it.
Honestly, this is the very thing that is resurfacing. These very questions that I'm coming up against, is what is resurfacing as I pack for this move. It's another chance for me to make a decision. Will I slowly assimilate and disappear? Or will I remember who I am and take her with me? Ironically, last year, I was at an event where there was a woman who does tapping. Have you heard of tapping? She did a tapping session and it was all centered around getting a vision of your future self. And I had this pretty clear, but very bizarre vision of my future self, where I was running. Yes, like think Sex and the City style. I was running, but I was running down a country gravel road. And of course I was wearing heels and I was wearing this like fancy coordinated white suit. And at the time, I was like, this is weird. I don't know what this means. Why am I in a gravel road? Maybe because I grew up in a small Iowa town, on a farm. I don't know. Why the whole coordinated white suit thing? I don't know. Maybe because I felt like a boss. Why the heels? Well, that's obvious, because I wear heels all the time. But standing here now, packing for a move, ironically, to another small Iowa farm town. I think I'm finally starting to understand it. I don't think the vision was about clothes at all, actually. I think it was about staying true to who you are, no matter where you're planted.
What I want you to remember the most from this episode is this. The drift happens slowly. The drift happens slowly, doesn't it? I often find these transitions where, you know, you find yourself in a new environment. You slowly trend away from your true self. And sometimes it's so slow you hardly perceive it's happening. In some cases, those choices and those changes are conscious decisions, but if I had to guess, many of them are just kind of very unconscious, because I've never met anyone who woke up one day and just decided to like, I'm going to abandon myself. I'm going to start to become someone else. That just doesn't work that way. The reality is that the inertia is often too great. It just keeps pulling you. Going with the flow of the crowd is so much easier than going against the crowd. And when you decide you're going to stay true to yourself, you need to also give yourself time and grace to learn a new pattern. I'm often reminding my clients this, that learning to align with yourself or to come back to yourself, takes time. And actually, if you remember, if you've been following along, I had Jessie Spresser, one of my clients on the podcast and she talked about this very thing. And she had said on that episode that after a year, a full year of working together, coming back to what she wanted, deciding what felt authentic to her. She still had to give herself a little pep talk before walking into a room, wearing something that felt authentic to her, when it didn't really match the vibe. I mean, she was dressed at an appropriate level, but it didn't match the vibe of what she saw other people wearing.
What I want to normalize is that stepping into an authentic version of yourself often feels uncomfortable, way before it feels natural. And remember this, listen, it took you so many years to assimilate to an environment or assimilate to the way you've started to dress or the way you've started to be. It's taken years. In some cases for us, it's been like decades. It's also going to then take some time to come back to yourself, right? It doesn't happen in a day. So be patient with yourself as the transition happens, but also stay intentional. That goes back to that inertia. That current can just so easily sweep you. And then one day you wake up and you're like, how did we get here? I'm just going to note here that sometimes change isn't always bad. Sometimes a new environment, a new city, a workplace, a new group that you're hanging out with, whether it's personally or professionally, that can actually help bring out more of who you truly are. But it takes careful consideration to know whether you're moving closer to yourself or farther away from yourself. And one barometer that I like to use is that choosing you and like the truer version of how you want to show up, is usually going to feel a bit scarier. It's harder. It's more uncomfortable, but it ultimately feels more freeing.
And choosing something that isn't aligned may feel good for a while. Like there might be kind of like a high. Like when you drink and there's that woo everything feels great, but then you have a headache and whatever later. Eventually it starts to feel like a performance that you want to give up. What do I mean when I say that? I've talked before about when you get on a path, where you're going further away from yourself, I've talked about how I've spent more than I felt comfortable with and eventually it was like, I can't keep this up, right? Or maybe I've had women tell me that they felt like they needed to buy a designer bag, because now they're in this networking group, or this mastermind wherever. It's like an entry to get into this group, like their ticket to get in to feel like they fit in. Or maybe it's even just something as simple as, like, I'm wearing heels, but I really hate wearing heels. Or I'm wearing blazers, but I really just hate blazers. The point isn't whether something is dressy or casual. The point is whether it's actually you. And that's the work, isn't it?
It's why I say that, you know, this really isn't about the clothes. It's rarely about the clothes. More often, it's about figuring out where you've drifted away from yourself and having the courage to come back, or having the courage to continue to affirm, this is who I am, even though things around you change. If you're in a transition of your own, it may not be a move to a new city, or it may be. It may be a new role, a new season of your life, a new level in your business, starting a new business, leaving corporate. And if this episode is saying, oh my gosh, these are all the things I'm feeling. I'm really trying to figure out which parts of me are going to come with you into this new environment and which parts are going to stay behind. That's exactly what I'm doing with my clients inside the standout style Kickstarter program. If you want to learn more about that, it's in the show notes. You can click there and get a sense of what that's all about.
But really, the goal here, in the work I do with my clients, isn't to become someone new. Like, I don't want to take you and then, you know, transform you into some version of yourself you don't even recognize. It's actually more about a refining process, taking away anything that isn't you, to become more of who you've been, all along. So I hope this episode resonated. I hope it got you thinking about transitions, about intentionally deciding who you're going to be as you make these transitions. And of course, as always, if something resonated, the thing I love the most is to hear from you. And so hit me up on Instagram. I'm there at style.decoded. I'm also very active on LinkedIn or just drop a comment in whatever podcast platform you're listening on today. Your stories truly mean the world to me. And with that, I'll see you in the next episode.
Thanks for joining me on The Visibility Shift. If something in today's episode made you pause, rethink, or gave you permission to stop playing small, it would mean so much to me if you'd leave a review at ratethispodcast.com/visibilityshift.
Let's make it visible.