The Gap Between the Style You Want and the Choices You Make
- emsteinbrink
- Dec 22, 2025
- 14 min read
A light bulb moment occurs when you finally acknowledge the gap between the woman you say you want to be and the choices you’re still making from an outdated identity. It often shows up when you admire the boldness, presence, and electricity of another woman’s style on a stage, yet immediately shrink back into safety the moment you get dressed.
If you’ve ever felt the pull toward a bolder, truer version of yourself, it’s time to question the unwritten rules you've inherited, confront the fears that still dress you each morning, and consider whether you’re waiting to feel ready or finally choosing alignment.
In this episode of The Visibility Shift, we’ll explore the tension between what you say you want and what you do instead. I’ll discuss the three most common reasons you sabotage your own style evolution, why old programming can’t create a new identity, and how your nervous system tricks you into believing that blending in is safer than being fully seen. I’ll also reveal why wanting authenticity isn’t the same as choosing it and why “looking polished” is often just a socially acceptable version of hiding.
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00:59 - Discovery call that revealed a contradiction women often hold about their desire for boldness
3:11 - First reason why women resist authenticity in their style
4:18 - Client example of industry expectations quietly shaping style decisions without being questioned
5:35 - Exercise I do with clients that exposes the deeper fears beneath “standing out too much”
8:17 - The difference between being seen vs. being fully seen (and an honest check-in to see what kind of visibility you really want)
10:51 - A challenge to the beliefs that readiness should arrive before action and authenticity is a choice, not a feeling
13:12 - Three powerful questions that help reveal the exact beliefs running your style decisions
15:37 - Invitation that distinguishes between simply looking polished and stepping into a style that reflects your real identity
Mentioned In The Gap Between the Style You Want and the Choices You Make
Full Transcript
Welcome to The Visibility Shift, the podcast where style becomes your most powerful strategy for being seen, standing out, and leading boldly. I'm Ellie Steinbrink, stylist and personal brand coach, and if you've ever thought, "My style just isn't working anymore," take this as your sign. You're ready for your next level. And instead of launching into a panicked shopping spree, what you really need is a strategy. A style strategy that reflects where you're headed, not who you used to be or who you think you need to be to fit in.
Because when your style aligns with your brand and your vision, everything shifts. You lead with more presence, you attract the right opportunities and clients, and you fully step into the woman you're becoming. Because showing up as yourself, that's the most strategic thing you can do. Now let's get visible.
Welcome to another episode of The Visibility Shift. A few months ago, I was on a discovery call with a woman who was interested in working with me. And as we started to get into our discussion, she was telling me about what she wanted for her style, her vision for her style. She mentioned she had just seen another female speaker on stage at a conference she had attended.
The way she described this woman was that she was fully embodied. Wearing a really bold, courageous outfit, especially for the industry in which this conference was being held, totally electric and owning who she was. She was just completely magnetic. And as she reflected on this experience, she said, "I just want that. That's the kind of energy I want. That's what I want to bring to my style."
So we continued on in our conversation. We were digging more into her own style vision and specifics. And I heard her say, "But I don't want to stand out too much." And right in that moment, I paused. And with all the love in my heart, I said, "Do you hear the irony in what you just said to me compared to what you had just described to me earlier in this conversation?"
This is something I see all the time. We say we want the next level version of ourselves. We say we're ready for boldness, for authenticity, for that woman we admire on big stages. And then we make choices from the exact same place that keep us stuck. So today I want to talk about that gap. Why we say we want one thing, but then we do another.
And honestly, I know there are a lot of psychological reasons for this if you were to ask a therapist. But this is my own take on this from years of working with women who are stepping into bigger levels of visibility. And there are really three big reasons that I see this happening. They're often sneaky and really hard to detect, which is why we're having this conversation right now.
They're also pretty powerful. And honestly, they can keep you from playing small if you're not aware of them. So are you ready? Let's dig in. Reasons why you say you want something, but then do another thing. Reason number one is you're following rules you never agreed to.
You can want the boldness. You can want the authenticity. You can look at a woman and want her style. You can want the magnetic presence that you see in somebody else. But if your choices are still being directed by long-held rules, beliefs, or expectations we have about our style or our bodies, well, this is going to unconsciously sabotage the outcome you say you want.
This is actually one of the foundational pieces we dive into with every single person, whether it's in a group setting or a one-to-one setting. What are these rules or beliefs that we have about our style or about our bodies? What is the fear attached to these? And then we actually trace back how these beliefs that turn into fears lead them to take tiny self-protective actions that keep them small.
In other words, how these beliefs actually lead them to self-sabotage. I have one client who is working with me on a one-to-one basis and she's a financial planner for small business owners and their families. She is an extremely experienced leader in her space. She's been in her business for over 20 years and doing her work for over 20 years.
And of course, in the financial space it's a very heavily male-dominated industry, but it's also traditionally a very conservative field in regard to dress code. When we did this very work about digging into what are the beliefs and rules and standards you're carrying along with you in regards to your style and your body, of course, many come up through the brainstorm. That's really common for a lot of beliefs to be overriding our decisions basically about our style.
When I'm working with my clients, I ask them to pick out one belief that feels like it is the most heavy. It has the most weight in terms of your decisions. Said another way, it has the most impact in your decisions. So for this client that I was talking about who is a financial planner, she had said, "I think the belief that drives me the most is that if my outfit stands out too much, then my clients and colleagues won't take me seriously."
Then the next layer we dig into is going to say, "Okay, why?" One way I like to do it is flip it in the opposite. So if I had an outfit that really stood out, whatever that means to the client—because that always means something slightly different, right?—But if I had an outfit that really made me stand out, what would happen? What's the worst-case scenario that would happen?
By answering this question, it brings out what your fears are. The thing she said to me was, "I won't be taken seriously. What I'm wearing will be a distraction to what I'm actually saying or trying to coach my clients on. The clients may be, in a very worst-case scenario, they won't even want to work with me, or they'll think I'm silly, or my clothes will override my actual skill set." That's actually a very common one I hear.
And then she said, "Well, I work with some blue-collar businesses, and I'm just wondering, is it too much?" Again, well, they judge me. That's the next layer of that. "Will they judge me?" So then the next layer of that is we name the belief. We name what fears come up when we believe that belief. And then I say, "How is this belief driving your behaviors and your actions on a daily basis?"
So when you go into your closet to get dressed for a client meeting or for your work day, what ways in which are you self-sabotaging? She'll say, "Well, what I end up doing is I just wear a lot of neutrals because I don't want to stand out. I just want to blend in. Sometimes I'll purposely wear slacks and a flat so that I look more like a man. I get rid of my femininity and then that helps me fit in in this very male-dominated field. But definitely I just am really sensitive to not looking really fancy." And you know, however that comes out for her.
The reason I share these stories with you on these episodes, if you've been listening for a while, is because I want you to know that these fears and beliefs that are driving you in your decisions and self-sabotaging in terms of your actions, they are so common. And sadly, I hate to say it, but they're normal.
These rules and standards about how we should show up and how we should look and how we should be have been so conditioned over the years that it becomes a matter of playing out the rules we didn't even choose. Rules handed down by our corporate environments or whatever industry we worked in, handed down by our culture, our family, industry, and norms.
But here's the thing I want you to hear. Old programming cannot create a new identity. Old programming cannot lead to real change. You can't become the woman you're evolving into while dressing like the woman you were trained to be.
So let's go to the second reason I believe why we say we want one thing, but we do another. And that is that you want to be seen, but not fully seen. This one's difficult. This is a little bit of a difficult topic to address, but I want you to be honest with yourself.
Sometimes we say we want to be bold or we want to be fully authentic and to stand out. We say that, but what we really want is just to look nice or to look polished or to look put together. Those are some of the most common words I hear when we're talking about defining our style words. "I want to be polished. I want to be put together. I want to be classic. I want to be timeless." There's nothing wrong with that.
But hear me when I say that being visible is one thing. Authentically being visible is a whole different ball game. So let me paint the two pictures here. Visible says, "I want to look credible. I want to look nice. I want people to take me seriously. I want to look polished and professional." Authentically visible says, "I'm ready to be seen as myself, fully, the real me, even if it feels vulnerable."
And I'm not going to lie to you. That second one is scary. Because your whole life, your nervous system has depended on not breaking whatever rule you've been holding onto. So of course, breaking it feels like the worst possible thing you could do. Everything depends on it. Everything will fall apart if you break that rule.
Not to mention, it's basically pasting your personality on your body and walking into a room for all to judge. And yeah, people might notice. In fact, they will notice. You might get attention. You might stand out, which is exactly what you want.
So here's the thing. The women who come to work with me usually hit this energetic shift before they ever reach out. It's a moment in them that says, "I'm tired of performing. Tired of running this rat race and tired of looking like everybody else and doing the same things and wearing the same things. I'm tired of playing it safe. I'm tired of putting on this facade of being a certain thing that just isn't me." And that is when authentic visibility becomes a possibility for us in our work.
I want you to be honest with yourself right now. And please know that this is not me shaming or judging you. It's just a point of honesty. Are you wanting to be seen just looking nice and polished and put together and appropriate? Or do you want to be fully seen as your authentic self? And there's a difference.
All right, the third reason about why we say we want one thing, but then we do another, is that you're waiting to feel ready instead of choosing to become ready. And if I can add to that, what I would really love to say is this, authenticity is a decision. It's not a mood or a feeling.
This one isn't comfortable, but it's true. Most of the meaningful decisions in my life, the ones that have actually moved the needle, didn't feel comfortable at first at all. For example, when I decided to start lifting heavy, because hello, I'm a perimenopausal woman, it didn't feel natural.
In fact, I was extremely worried that I would get bulky and I had to surround myself with a bunch of experts and friends who assured me that, no, that's not how this works. But all the images and messages I had received my entire life told me that. And I sure as heck didn't want to look like a bodybuilder.
Another thing, learning to rest, specifically in the form of my workouts, is that one felt downright wrong in my body. Especially after believing that even missing just one workout day would derail all of my efforts. So yeah, rest was not a safe topic for me.
And then it comes to the point of eating more protein and having this giant plate of food in front of me at each meal, completely counterintuitive. In fact, in the years past, I believed that eating as little as possible was the goal. All of these examples I'm talking about with my nutrition and my health and my fitness felt unsafe.
But I chose it anyway. I practiced it and eventually it became my normal. And I discovered that it was safe.
Authenticity in your style works exactly the same way. You just won't wake up one day feeling magically ready to stand out. You don't suddenly feel brave to break the rules or wear what actually represents you.
You choose it. You put it into practice, little steps at a time. Even when it feels risky, even when it feels illogical, even when your nervous system is screaming, "Go the opposite direction, just blend in, just do what everybody else is doing," it's a choice. And that gap between wanting the thing and actually living out the thing, that gap closes when you decide to step into the woman that you're becoming, not the woman you've always been.
All right, so we went through the three areas in which you might know why you're doing one thing and saying another. And if you're thinking, "Okay, I see myself in all of these," I want to take it one step further and think about a few questions to figure out what's actually going on, to kinda take one level deeper here. My first question for you would be, what old rules or expectations are still running the show when I get dressed or when I shop or when I think about who I want to be in terms of my style? Who taught me these rules? Where did these come from? Do I even agree with them anymore?
I often will say they might've had a reason in the past that kept you safe, but now are they still serving you? Here's another way to look at it. When you think about what stops you from wearing the thing you'd most love to wear, that moment in your closet where you're like, "Oh, I'd really love to wear that," and then your mind talks you out of it, that right there is a clue. That is the rule. Whatever is behind that thought that says, "Mmm, not safe," that's the rule or belief that's driving you, so pay attention to it.
So the question again is, what old rules or expectations are still running the show when I get dressed? Second question, do I want to be seen as someone who looks nice and polished and appropriate? Or do I want to be fully seen as myself?
Now, I'm not saying that being seen as yourself means you don't look nice and polished and put together. It's just a different level. I think you know what I'm talking about.
Another question you could tag onto the second one is what feels scarier right now? Blending in and looking appropriate, but looking polished, or being unmistakably me. So again, that question is, do I want to be seen or do I want to fully be seen as myself?
Third question, am I waiting to feel ready before I can act? Or am I choosing alignment over approval right now? This is a big one. Again, it goes back to that authenticity isn't a mood. It's a strategic decision. These questions in this whole conversation isn't meant to make you feel guilty or called out.
As I often like to do on this podcast, they're meant to bring you a greater awareness because awareness really is the very first step in all of this, all this work we do. In these last few moments we have together, we have a few final thoughts on this topic that I really feel like you deserve to hear before you go.
When you think about your style, if the goal is just to look nice or polished or appropriate, you absolutely don't need me. You can go to a Nordstrom stylist or another store where they have stylists, you can get a subscription box, you can even hire a shopping assistant who will analyze your body and find the things that work for your body.
You will look totally fine and you will check the box of looking put together and polished and appropriate for whatever events you have to go to. But if you are done checking the boxes, you're done fitting into molds, you're done blending in, you're done dimming your own light that makes you special and magnetic.
If you're done wearing outfits that work and fit the bill but don't feel like you, then come on over. This is the work I love to do. And I mean it when I say that it is way easier to look appropriate, but it is a ton more freeing to look like yourself and to stop the pretending.
And that is where the real transformation happens. That is where your special sauce, your magnetism lives. That's where it comes alive. That's where the next level of your personal brand gets unlocked. So if you're listening to this and you're realizing, "I feel ready, I feel really ready to take this on. I'm energetically in a space where I'm ready to say yes to this, to align my insides with my outsides," I want to let you know you have two options.
Number one is you can work with me on a one-to-one basis through my Standout Style Kickstarter program. Great news, I've just opened up a waitlist for 2026 that you should absolutely jump on because if you're on the waitlist, then you will be eligible to take one of just three spots that I have opened starting at the beginning of the year.
The other way is that you can work with me in a group setting which is called The Visibility Edit. And there is a waitlist for that as well in 2026. This is where women who are ready to claim this authentic visibility and align their style with their personal brand, this is where we do it. This is that energetic reset, that mindset shift that is so critical before we ever start looking at the actual pieces of clothing. That's what we do in the group program.
If you're interested in either of those and getting on the waitlist, let's go ahead and go down to the show notes. You'll find the links down there. I truly hope this episode has helped you get clearer on exactly what it is you want from your style.
And no shame in whatever path you feel is aligned for you. At least though, from this point of clarity, you will be able to make a better decision about how you want to move ahead in this coming year.
If this episode helped you, I'd love to have you share it with another female leader or entrepreneur in your life who may also be looking for some clarity about their style. Help a girlfriend out, right? And with that, I will see you in the next episode.
Thanks for joining me on The Visibility Shift. If something in today's episode made you pause, rethink, or gave you permission to stop playing small, it would mean so much to me if you'd leave a review at ratethispodcast.com/visibilityshift.
If you're ready to stop second-guessing and start showing up as the leader you are from the inside out, The Visibility Edit is where that shift begins. Head to elliesteinbrink.com to learn more and join the next round. Because the next version of you, she's not waiting for permission. She's waiting for you. Let's make it visible.
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