The Moment You Admit You Don’t Want to Wear It Anymore
- emsteinbrink
- 4 days ago
- 9 min read
A client of mine recently posted a photo of her highest heels and announced that she was done wearing them. Not taking a break. Not saving them for special occasions. Done. She works in finance, where heels are part of the expected power look, so it might have seemed like a snap decision, but I don’t think these decisions are sudden. I think they’re honest.
They’re the culmination of dozens, maybe even hundreds, of moments when you’ve thought, Why am I doing this anymore? Who am I doing this for? The frustration continues to build until you finally reach the point where you’re willing to admit what you’ve probably known for years. These moments matter because they may be your truest self trying to shed some light on what you actually want and what you need.
In this episode of The Visibility Shift, I’m talking about what happens when you finally admit you don’t want to wear something anymore and why that snap moment is worth paying attention to. I’m sharing the two questions I use to look honestly at how I feel in my clothes, the rules and expectations driving my decisions, and whether those rules still serve me and where I’m going.
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0:57 - The client who decided she was officially done wearing high heels
2:22 - Why snap decisions about your wardrobe are often honest decisions
3:55 - Ignoring the moment versus surrendering to what you already know
5:48 - How other people’s opinions can drown out what you actually want
7:09 - The first question to ask when something no longer feels right
9:14 - Separating external style pressures from internal beliefs
11:21 - How authenticity shows up through tiny flashes of honesty
Mentioned In The Moment You Admit You Don’t Want to Wear It Anymore
Full Transcript
Ellie Steinbrink: Welcome to The Visibility Shift, the podcast where style becomes your most powerful strategy for being seen, standing out and leading boldly. I'm Ellie Steinbrink, stylist and personal brand coach. And if you've ever thought, my style just isn't working anymore, take this as your sign. You're ready for your next level. And instead of launching into a panicked shopping spree, what you really need is a strategy. A style strategy that reflects where you're headed, not who you used to be, or who you think you need to be to fit in. Because when your style aligns with your brand and your vision, everything shifts. You lead with more presence, you attract the right opportunities and clients and you fully step into the woman you're becoming. Because showing up as yourself, that's the most strategic thing you can do.
Now, let's get visible. Welcome back to another episode of The Visibility Shift. This episode is going to be a little different than my other episodes. It's going to be a little bit of a hot take on something I saw on my Instagram feed this week and it really spurred an insight that I wanted to share with you, in a little bit more of a bite-sized format. What I saw on Instagram this week was a client of mine who had posted a picture of a bunch of her really high heels and she was basically declaring, I'm officially done wearing these extremely high 100 millimeter plus, which for those of you who don't know, the translation is like three, four inch and higher, I'm just done. I'm not taking a break. I'm not saving these for special occasions. I'm done. And she even joked about, she's really funny, so she joked about grieving her heel collection, because she genuinely loved these shoes. She also said, I came to this breaking point where she thought, you know, why the bleep am I putting myself through this level of discomfort? I just want to have a side note that this particular client, she actually works in finance, in the financial industry and this is an industry where heels are absolutely part of this power look. But the moment of inspiration I had, the insight I had when I saw this post was, wow, these moments matter.
On the surface, I think these decisions that we see coming from someone, they can seem like they're snap decisions, but I don't think they are. I think they're actually honest decisions. They're a culmination of dozens, maybe even hundreds of moments where you've thought, why am I even doing this anymore? Who am I doing this for? I feel horrible in these. These are really uncomfortable. I don't want this. But in all those instances where you had that thought, you didn't actually do anything about it. So this frustration just kept building and building. And at some point, when you've had this same thought for the millionth time, you truly snap. And this is where I'm saying I think these moments are golden. I think they're moments to pay attention to, because it really is your truest self sneaking in, trying to shed some light on what you really want, trying to tell you what you need. It's again like that Leonard Cohen song quote that I love so much. There is a crack, a crack in everything and that's how the light gets in. And it's like when that crack finally happens, that snap happens, that's when the light starts to shed in.
When these moments happen, that snap moment, we usually do one of two things. One is that we ignore them. And we tell ourselves, you know, I'm just going to deal with it. Or I might say to myself, this is just what professional women wear. You might say, this is just the game I have to play. This really is the most professional. Or, you know, this looks really awesome. Like, I look so awesome in this, so I'm just going to deal with it. But we do have another choice. And that alternative choice is simply to surrender. We can take a chance at whatever is calling to us. We can let ourselves admit what we've probably known for years. I actually think this is the higher risk way to go, is to surrender, but it's also the higher reward path. And I've said this many times before, but I believe getting to the truest version of ourselves, doesn't happen in one big moment. Or I'll often say it doesn't happen like in a makeover weekend. It builds up over time and it's building sometimes beneath the surface. And in that snap decision moment, when you're just finally being honest or saying out loud, maybe, this is who I've already become. Like all of those moments of you kind of quietly deciding, I'm done with this, it was building. It was building that courage in you and it just took that one snap moment for you to say, this isn't just all of a sudden a new me, this has been building up over time and this is just who I am.
I'm actually seeing this in my own life right now, as I'm in the process of moving my family to a brand new city and we're looking for places to live and it's amazing how quickly everyone else's opinions can drown out your own. Whether it's where you live, or how you're going to run things, or how you're going to do the transition, or if it's a good or a bad idea to move and everything. And advice isn't bad. But eventually there comes a point, where you have to tune in and ask, what do I actually want? What feels peaceful? What is best for our family? What's best for me? And it's also when you start to sort out, when you get quiet and listen, it's when you start to sort out the wants from the needs. And if we're being honest, once again, dismantling others' opinions and what we think is expected of us, we may find that what we want, or what we think we have to keep up, can actually cause suffering, chaos, or just add extra pressure to a situation. And the need, in contrast, is sometimes much more freeing. But we have to get to a place where we can admit it and let go.
If you're having one of these moments right now, or maybe you feel it's starting to build, here's what I started to pay attention to. There's two things. Number one, how do I honestly feel wearing this? And this sounds like such a simple question, but it's not. Because if you're like me, we're really good at shoving those actual feelings aside, because it can be kind of scary to look at. And yes, even scary, when it comes to your wardrobe and what seems like a seemingly silly decision. But the question, how do I honestly feel wearing this is important, not how do I think I should feel, but how do I actually feel? Do I feel at peace? Do I feel relaxed? Or am I kind of tight and constricted? Do I feel exhausted? Do I feel like I can't breathe? Do I have literal pain in my feet or somewhere else? Maybe you might be feeling like these clothes are nice, they fit the bill, but it's really just not me. You have to tune into your feelings and tune everyone else's voices out, but then also, not just tune into your feelings, but be willing to actually listen to yours.
The second question is, what rules and expectations are driving my decisions in my closet? And when I'm working with clients, it's absolutely essential that we look at the rules, the expectations and the beliefs that have built up over time, because until we can face how we've gotten to this place and be honest through it all, no change can happen until we do that. And peeling back these layers upon layers upon layers and years and years and years of rules and beliefs and expectations, it can take a while. It can, it requires some patience and it requires a lot of grace for ourselves as we look at them. But it's completely necessary to see what's really underneath and what desires are actually there. And through this process, when I'm working with my clients, we're looking at both external and internal pressures that we've adopted. So external could be, are there expectations around me wearing a certain thing? And that could be expectations from social circles or professional circles. It could be expectations around your age or the type of profession you're in or the title you have.
External examples also kind of sound like, is this the way it has to be? There's an external pressure kind of putting that onto you. Are there certain rules that go in certain environments that I run in? And by the way, that means you're probably shape-shifting as you move from circle to circle. But there's a very strong force internally happening as well. I think it's easy to name the external forces. My mom always said that I should wear this, or I shouldn't wear low-cut items, or a woman at my age shouldn't wear this. But I think there's these internal beliefs that can be just as powerful and debilitating. Like, I won't be respected if I don't wear this. Or this is just the game I have to play, or this is the most professional. And as you find yourself in these moments of frustration, these moments where that just like, why am I doing this? And why do I continue to put myself through this? Just keep coming back to these two questions, because It may not, you may not get yourself fully there on the first time. You may have to make this a practice. So again, those questions are number one, how do I honestly feel wearing this? Not how do I think I should feel? And number two, what rules and expectations am I abiding by? And do those still serve me and where I'm going?
Bookmark this episode. So when you're having that moment, you can refresh yourself and just get grounded again. But the other big takeaway here, I want you to remember. If authenticity is the goal, and I find that many women in this phase of life that I am in, you know, kind of midlife where you're just starting to get honest about a lot of things, honestly, not just your closet. And you have this desire to kind of come back home to yourself. If authenticity is the goal, it is not going to come in one grand moment. It's going to sneak through in these tiny flashes of honesty, where you're standing in your closet and you're feeling fed up, or you're taking off a pair of shoes and wondering, why the heck am I still putting up with this? Or you're looking at something you've owned and maybe loved for years and you're finally just saying, I don't want this anymore. And maybe when these moments come, or, you know, maybe the next time it comes, instead of talking yourself out of them, you pause and you let yourself listen. Your truest self may just be trying to tell you something. And with that, I'll see you in the next episode.
Thanks for joining me on The Visibility Shift. If something in today's episode made you pause, rethink, or gave you permission to stop playing small, it would mean so much to me if you'd leave a review at ratethispodcast.com/visibilityshift.
Let's make it visible.
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